Deciphering Boys: Races, Contests, & Duels

I'm guessing this topic of "deciphering boys" will end up being a regular feature on my blog, so I've given this post a subtitle. Just a guess. One thing I've learned in ten years of having boys is that they harbor a never-ending supply of competition (and associated noise). So here's a little run-down on the various types of competition we continually observe. This is, by no means, a complete list:

Races--competitions where speed is important and there will be fame and glory for one lucky winner. There will also be 1st and 2nd place, which really means the purpose is to label a "Loser" in the race. As you can imagine, this does not go over well with the 2nd place contestant. Examples--"Race you to the car!" and "Race you upstairs, ready set go!" (all in one breath with no time for the invitee to say whether or not he wants to do it).

Contests--challenges in which there will not only be a winner but perhaps a prize or punishment as well. Example--"Staring contest! Whoever looks away first has to have more beans. Go!"

Duels--battles where one person wins and the other person "dies." Examples range from lightsaber duels, to Harry Potter-style wand fights, to an assortment of wars. Today's wars were labeled "The Lava Wars." One person would do the countdown and then both boys would jump onto a part of the rug and begin some kind of odd wrestling match. Whoever fell into the "lava" was declared dead. When I asked for the details of these wars, they said they each start out with 5 lives and whoever runs out of lives first dies. War over. I only found out about this war when I heard yelling coming from the basement, "5, 4, 3, 2, booger-nose!" (I'll save that last bit for another "deciphering boys" post.)

So what is the secret code here? Why all the races, contests and duels? I'm still a long way from deciphering boys, but my best guess is that they are looking for a way to measure themselves and show that they are taller, smarter, stronger or faster than at least one other person. "Even if everyone else can beat me, I can still beat my little brother. Whew! I'm not the loser!" I try to build them up and make them feel important and special, but no matter how much I do that, it's never quite enough to make it to that self-esteem threshhold they create for themselves. I've given up on trying to keep the peace in this particular way. Instead, I tell each of them, "May the force be with you" and send them off to the basement.

Whodunit: The Toilet Seat Mystery

This is what the ideal toilet seat looks like. Ours look like this one for approximately 17 minutes following scrubbing.
We have a rule in our house that I'm sure is common to any household containing boys. The rule is this: Lift the toilet seat. Every time. This morning, like many other mornings, I went into the bathroom and discovered clear evidence that someone in our house is still not lifting the toilet seat. Perhaps the person forgot, though I hardly think that's likely because I say "Remember to lift the seat" about six times a day. Maybe the person was in a hurry, but really, how long does it take to lift the seat? (Technically, they are also supposed to put the seat and lid back down when finished, but at this point, I'd settle for the halfway mark of just remembering to lift the seat.)

Since our household consists of three males and two females (one of whom uses diapers), I think I can safely assume there are three possible culprits. After interviewing each of the suspects, I was left with zero confessions and three "Not me"s. Someone is hiding something. But I have ways of getting them to talk. Time to pull out the mixer...