Crimes of the Ear: The Accomplices

Parenting 101: Do not buy noise-making toys for your own children. You can buy them as gifts or party favors or prizes for other people's children, but under no circumstances should you bring them home intending to keep them under your own roof.

It will be almost irresistible at times because, in the store, those noise-makers are a great way to entertain a fussy child. You will imagine hours and hours of blissful freedom as a result of buying that toy and letting it babysit your child. But do NOT be fooled. The moment you bring that toy home, it's sole purpose will be to annoy you. Trust me. You will only regret it.

The noise-accomplices pictured above are but two small examples of this annoyance and regret. Yes, they look innocent in the photo, but they are in reality partners in crime. When his arm is pulled and released, the monkey screams like a banshee and scares the living daylights out of all of us. The well-dressed frog is a lesser felon, acting primarily as an advertisment for the Air Force. Squeeze his froggy hand and his adult male voice will say, "KC-45: Giving the war-fighter the edge." But even his softer sound can become grating after 23 or more times a day.

So, as a friend, I offer this hard-earned advice: no matter how tempting it is, or how cute the little stuffed creature, just say no to those infiltrating, noise-making toys.

Let the Punishment Fit the Crime

I hesitate to write this because it reveals something about me that I am trying very hard to change. The sad truth is, 20 years from now, if you were to ask my children what was the worst "crime" they could commit in our household, they would almost surely answer, "Noise." Even as I write this, I am ssshh-ing my children. (Can't you just HEAR that photo?) Noise, especially the chaotic kind, is an event that sets my nerves on fire. I can't think, I can't speak, I can't even really breathe until I find somewhere to get away from it. This is how it has been for years, but just yesterday I noticed a fascinating phenomenon in the way I deal with the noise around the house: I often blame one child for another child's noise.

This is not as wrong as it sounds. Hear me out. (And notice my great noise-related word choices in those previous sentences.) When child A offends child B, child B will almost always respond with some sort of outcry (meaning noise). This, of course, gets my attention (because of the noise) and I call down the stairs to child A, saying to "knock it off" so that child B will resume normal volume (before he wakes up child C). I think this seems reasonable, except when child A is justified in whatever he has done, which so far has been never. As an added note, child B usually gets a mini-lecture on decibals. Another example would be when someone does something that wakes up the baby. When the baby cries, she is the one making the noise, but someone else has caused it and, therefore, gets the blame for the noise.

I have identified four major categories for when noise is offensive to me.

1. Naptime
2. While I'm on the phone
3. While I'm trying to concentrate
4. When we're watching a movie

I recognize that these four categories cover much of the day. So, what is the appropriate "punishment" for this crime of noise? Should I duct tape their mouths closed? No, that could get me in trouble. Plus, they would just make non-verbal noise instead. They're very talented when it comes to making a racket. Should I have a special Noise Room where they go in, close the door, and then have to listen to their noise repeated over and over and over until they despise it as much as I do? Not practical. I have it: Silence! Silence would be the perfect penalty for noise-infractions. But how to enforce it? Hmmm. It's a mystery. Perhaps the best scenario here would be for me to admit to myself that these are magical years of raising children that will never come again, and tolerating the extra noise now will bring peace (of mind, at least) later. And, in the end, if I can't figure out how to put up with the clamor and the commotion, I will have punished myself.