Auto-Destruct Sequence

"The auto-destruct sequence has been initiated. Implosion will occur in 10...9...8..."

Obviously, I'm a closet Star Trek fan. Well, not really closet - I think everyone already knows.

Proceed through the following steps to initiate auto-destruct:

• Invite 17 children to your son's 7-year-old birthday party. (17! Are you insane?)
• When no one RSVP's "with regrets", go get more of everything.
• Create a jack-o-lantern cake, complete with pumpkin "guts".
• Go get more food coloring.
• Clean, decorate, cook, prepare.
• Entertain the unknown number of wild children climbing all over your living room furniture.
• Give everyone (including your 2-yr-old) red or orange soda.
• Pass out sugary prizes.
• Yell.
• Yell louder.
• Scream if you have to.
• Tell your husband, "Never again. We are never doing this again."

According to many reliable Star Trek episodes, initiating the auto-destruct sequence should set in motion a mysterious, invisible course of events, culminating in the resolution of all problems, exactly at the 1-second mark. That's what I'm hoping for...I'm just going to close my eyes now, and when I open them, the mess will be gone, the ringing in my ears will have stopped, and everything will be back to normal (whatever that is). Roll credits and theme.