WANTED: The Kitchen Bandit

Would anyone care for a salt-and-pepper flavor yogurt?

You know how people use that phrase "terrible twos"? For years, I've been telling them that they're wrong--it's really the terrible threes. My boys were sweet and quite innocent in the "twos" and then little demons when they were three. But now, with a girl, I have discovered the origins of the terrible twos. Aaaaacccchhhh! One of us might not survive till she's three.

The above photo is the result of me turning my back for a few minutes while she "ate" her yogurt. She dumped in some water, then added ALL the salt from the salt shaker and most of the pepper. When I turned back around, she was stirring her concoction.

By itself, this incident is no big deal, right? But there's a cumulative effect when it's just one in a series. Other crimes this week include:

• Continually filling a cup with water and then trying to dump it in the sink, but missing, thereby causing me to waste time searching for a leak in the plumbing.
• Sprinkling handfuls of cat litter all over the bathroom. Yes, it's the kind that expands and makes black marks when wet.
• She has become a professional confetti maker whenever she can get her hands on a pair of scissors.

I now keep all my bathroom stuff in baskets on my vanity. The drawers and cabinets are practically bare. Nothing is safe anymore.

Here are some great parenting quotes that help me to laugh it off at the end of the day:

• Cleaning your house while your kids are growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. (Phyllis Diller)
• A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. (Jerry Seinfeld)
• Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. (Fran Lebowitz)
• If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says "keep away from children". (Susan Savannah)

Surreal Cereal: A milk mystery

It was like Frosty the Snowman. One minute I was just making my breakfast, the next, my cereal was alive and smiling at me. This was the result of that "soak time" that is necessary when you choose grape nuts for breakfast (though, as a side note, my dad doesn't wait before crunching into his--you could hear his grape-nut-chewing sounds from the neighbor's basement).

I have already been accused of creating this photo-op, but I assure you, I wouldn't even know how to begin doing that. It was just a natural mysterious occurrence. A "happy" coincidence, if you will.

Deciphering Boys: Entrepreneurship

(Note to Afton: I apologize for my obvious copycatting.)

If you're a boy and you're in need of some fast cash, simply start up your own business. Here are a few get-rich-quick ideas.

1. How to rip-off your brother: First, look around your room and see if there's anything in there you can stand to part with. Don't worry, you don't have to get rid of your bent-up paper clip collection or your wadded up papers and kleenexes or any other similar precious treasures. Possible items might include broken toys, cheap plastic dollar store toys that you no longer want (even though you just bought them earlier that same day), silly bandz that aren't actually yours, or even old homework. Then, gather up the items and take them into your brother's room, tell him how amazing and essential each item is, tell him they're probably too expensive for him to afford but that you will offer him a special deal just today. Take his money without one guilty thought and leave him the impression that he just got the deal of the century.

2. Be a door-to-door salesman: First, find the candy your mom keeps hidden in the kitchen and put it into some kind of cute little container. Then, get a second little container to keep your money in and head out the door. Knock on your neighbors' doors, put on your best irresistible smile, and offer to sell them one piece of candy for a mere 50 cents. (You could start with $1 and see what you get--some of them are pretty gullible.) Before you know it, you'll have a nice little pile of coins going. You could also offer to rake the neighbors' leaves for $20. Front yard only.

3. Offer to do extra chores: After doing a slip-shod job on your assigned chores (or not doing them at all), tell your mom you'd like to earn a little extra cash by doing some more chores. Something like, say, stirring the soup? Or perhaps picking up the pieces of the game you got out 2 days ago? Or, if you're desperate, you could just try to convince your parents that they forgot to pay you for last week's chores.

Any one of these options should be enough to demonstrate to both you and your parents that money actually DOES grow on trees.

Mys-tree

Okay, so here's the mys-tree: What does anyone see in a sycamore tree?!? After moving into the new house in the spring, I started watching the most prominent tree in the front yard to see what it would be like in the four seasons. It didn't do anything spectacular in spring or summer, but I was very hopeful that it would turn some amazing, blazing shade of orange for fall. No. It didn't. In fact, it hardly changed at all.

Finally, after all the other trees were past their peak, this tree's leaves turned a dull yellowish-brown. Then they just dried out, and about 3/4 of them fell off. The other 1/4 are still clinging to the branches in a pathetic-looking way. "Well, ppbbbbbblllllpp!" I said, and thought, "That's not much of a tree." But the tree wasn't finished un-impressing me. Then, for winter, it started dropping all those little spiky balls. You know, those ones that look kind of quaint and country-ish in someone else's yard, but when they're in your own yard, you realize there are at least a million of them, covering the grass and waiting to wreak havoc on your mower. Unless you rake them. And good luck with that!

So, it is with feelings of triumph and anticipation that I announce my intention to have that sorry excuse for a tree removed in the spring. Unless anyone can give me a really great reason for keeping it. Got one?

Zeno's Paradox

Every time I read one of the "Be ye therefore perfect" verses of scripture, I can't help but think of Zeno's paradox. So. First I need to go halfway to perfect. And then from my new position (closer to perfection) I need to go another halfway to perfect, and so on. But there's always another half left, so I will never be perfect. Yet, every January, I set new goals that I hope will get me closer to that perfect state.

Sometimes I have to repeat a goal from last year. Actually, I almost always have to repeat my goals. It can be a little disheartening. One that keeps coming back year after year is to control my tongue and my temper. I was so inspired by this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland that, ever since first hearing it, this goal has been on my To-do list. But this year, I really am going to make significant progress.

When I yell at the kids, it sounds completely reasonable and justified because, of course, I would never yell at them if it wasn't absolutely necessary. But, somehow, when Eric yells at the kids, it sounds harsh and out of proportion and practically ridiculous. I mean, come on, a little patience, please. (This is another one of my goals--to not be so critical of others.)

There is a very long-standing debate over Zeno's paradox and whether it actually makes sense and is relevant, so here's my two cents worth on the subject:

Whether or not Zeno was correct in his physics, his argument rings true when applied to our quest to be perfect. We can (and should) keep working toward our goal, little halves at a time, but we will never get there. By ourselves, at least. Only the Lord can make up that final distance and bring us to our goal, when we've done everything we can. And I'm so thankful because I'm NEVER going to meet this tongue & temper goal on my own.

But it's a brand new year, so I'm going to try. Yep--it's a brand new year. But how did we get here? Because first we had to go halfway...

Mystery Meat

Now what? So you have all this leftover meat...what are you going to do with it? Keep topping it with gravy? Freeze it? Throw it away without telling anyone? (Especially your friends who actually believe in not wasting food.) You really should do something with it before it becomes unrecognizable, a.k.a. "mystery meat". I'm sure you could find a-million-plus recipes online for ways to use your not-so-precious leftovers, but wouldn't you rather get recipes from a trusted friend? I thought so. Here are a few of mine. I would love to get a few of yours also!

TURKEY WILD RICE SOUP
Ingredients:
30-ish oz. chicken broth (it really doesn't need to be exact)
2 c. water
1/2 c. uncooked rice (wild, if you have it; whatever, if you don't--don't you already love this recipe?)
1/2 c. chopped green onions (or regular onions)
1/2 c. butter (or margarine, if you like it--we can talk about that later...)
3/4 c. flour
salt and pepper
1/4 t. poultry seasoning
2 c. milk (if you didn't gain any weight on Dec. 25, you could use half-and-half, otherwise, milk works great)
3-6 slices bacon, cooked and crumbled (optional)
Bite-size pieces of leftover turkey, whatever amount you want

In a soup pot, combine broth, water, rice, and onions. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover, and simmer 25-30 minutes. Meanwhile, melt butter in a medium saucepan. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, and poultry seasoning. Continue stirring for a few minutes until smooth. Stir in milk and cook until thickened, stirring constantly. Add milk mixture to broth mixture. Stir. Then add bacon and turkey. Heat and stir for another 10 minutes or so. Serve.

TURKEY POT PIE
Ingredients:
Double pie crust (you can also make it with just one, see below)
2 cans cream of potato soup
1 and 1/4 c. milk
1 can mixed vegetables (or use leftover ones you have on hand)
1/4 to 1/2 c. frozen peas, thawed
1 c. (or more) cooked turkey

Lay one pie crust in pie plate. Combine all other ingredients and pour into crust. Top with the other crust, seal, cut a few slits in top, and bake about 1 hour at 350 degrees. OPTIONAL: Lightly grease pie plate, pour ingredient mixture directly into pie plate and top with one crust. Wrap edges of crust over lip of plate to seal, cut a few slits, and bake as above.

My favorite pie crust recipe:
Combine 2 1/2 c. flour and 1 t. salt in a large bowl. Cut 1 c. shortening into flour mixture using pastry cutter. In a small bowl, use a fork to beat together 1/4 c. water and 1 egg. Add egg mixture to flour mixture and stir together. Use hands to form into 2 balls of dough. Roll each ball out to 1/8 inch thick and use as desired.

CRUSTLESS BROCCOLI-HAM QUICHE (Versatile, easy, delicious, and low-fat--what more could you want?)
Ingredients:
3 eggs
1 can evaporated milk (skim is fine)
3 T. flour
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 t. dry mustard (optional)
3/4 c. shredded cheddar or swiss (or whatever)
1 c. chopped cooked ham
1 c. small broccoli florets, cooked but still firm
(You can use bacon instead of ham, and cooked mushrooms are great in the quiche; so is chopped fresh basil.)

Whisk together eggs and milk in a medium bowl. Whisk in flour and seasonings. Gently stir in cheese, ham, and broccoli. Pour into greased 8x8-inch baking dish and bake at 350 for about 40 minutes or until quiche is set. Let rest for 5-10 minutes before serving.

Hope these are useful. And I guess let's not forget to be thankful for all this excess food. There really are starving people in many parts of the world, just like Mom said.

Counterfeit Goodies: We're rolling in dough

Our generous neighbors and friends have been carrying out the thoughtful holiday tradition of delivering plates, bags, and tins of scrumptious goodies to wish us a Merry Christmas. These have been much appreciated and devoured almost instantaneously. But now I'm feeling just a smidgen of guilt. No, not over fat and calories. That will come later.

A few years ago, a neighbor brought us a cute little bucket with a lid and handle, filled with frozen balls of cookie dough, ready to place on the cookie sheet and throw in the oven. She said, "Everyone gets too many treats all at once during the holidays. This way, when all the goodies are gone and you actually want some again, you can pull this out of the freezer and just pop them in the oven."

Brilliant! I loved it! Not only did I love the cookies and having them when I wanted them, but I loved the ease of it for the giver. She didn't have to bake them, cool them, arrange them on the plate, etc. No. Just hand them over and let the other person do all that. Like I said--brilliant!

This year, we took it to a higher level. Well, really a lower level. We didn't even make the little balls. We just rolled up the cookie dough in wax paper, put it in a freezer bag, and wrapped it in tissue paper. Voila! Here are your goodies. All I did was make and roll the dough. For 24 hours, it felt like I was in a Pillsbury Bake-off, but then it was done. No cookie sheets and cooling racks to clean. No festive plates or containers required. But now that the deed is done, I feel a little bit sheepish. "Hi. We wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, but we didn't really want to do anything for you, so YOU can do the baking. Have a happy holiday!" Kind of lame. Sort of a cop-out. Somewhat Scrooge-ish. Yet...brilliant!

Should I feel guilty?

Space: The Final Frontier

These are the voyages of the starship Natalie, her continuing mission...to finish the basement.

I've been waiting for this day since we moved into this house. The day I could call out those magical words, "Boys! Go down in the basement!" For some unknown reason, they did not want to go down there until it was finished. They could have skate-boarded around on the cement, played with sidewalk chalk, made a secret hideout, the possibilities were endless. Now that there's brand new carpet, they're excited to boldly go where no one has gone before...

It's a perfect play area, because it's empty space. After essentially keeping "the basement guy" on retainer for several months, we won't be able to afford furniture for quite awhile. BUT--who needs furniture when you have bins! Take a look at my new storage room:

One side is for bins, the other is for food storage. Look at the beautiful shelves! Sometimes I go down there and just stand and stare. I think I'm in love.

Oh, and here's the bathroom. It's now the nicest bathroom in the house and no one ever uses it. Not that I mind. I don't need another bathroom to keep clean.

And here's the new guest room. It turned out more spacious than I ever thought it would be.

And the final final frontier--the little "kitchenette", which will be used for art projects and maybe eventually snacks (someday when food is allowed in the basement).

So, TA-DA! Our finished basement. So exciting!

The Disease

It's my mother's fault. Of course.

My mom creates Christmas tree masterpieces. Each tree has a theme and looks like a picture from a classy magazine. She adds the perfect number of lights and spaces the ornaments just so. They're works of art. The downside? No one else is allowed to help in any way, shape, or form. There is a no-touch zone extending 3 feet out from the tree in all directions.

Sorry, Mom. I'm going public...
When we were children, she would pretend to let us decorate the tree. We'd get out all the ornaments and choose our favorites and carefully place them exactly where we liked them. (Colored lights, tinsel, and anything else remotely gaudy were strictly taboo.) THEN, she would send us over to Grandma's house to decorate Grandma's tree. While we were gone, she would rearrange all our ornaments and put the ugly ones near the back. (Meanwhile, at Grandma's, we could put tinsel and as many ugly ornaments as we wanted, all on the same branch, and they would be left there for the whole Christmas season.)

I remember being mildly offended by my mom's re-decorating practices, but as an adult, I have discovered that this condition is hereditary. My sister and I call it "mom's disease". As grown-ups, we both were surprised to find ourselves coming up with tree themes nearly a year in advance. We would take down the Christmas tree and already be thinking, "Next year, I'm going to do a snow theme on the tree." Then we'd head off to the after-Christmas sales and purchase the needed items for that theme. I know, it's pathetic.

The thing is, my mom was right. I am much happier with the tree when it's decorated "properly". My way of solving this is to have two trees. The one in the top photo is mine. Hard to tell in the picture, but this year's tree is decorated in sort of an "old-fashioned fruits of the season" theme. It has cranberries, candied fruits, candle-lights and gold and cranberry ball ornaments. Below is the kids' tree. They can choose white or colored lights. And they can put whatever they want on it. Almost. It turns out I hate tinsel as much as my mom does. I will admit to a bit of adjustment in ornament positions, but not much because the spacing was already pretty good. So, they are being trained well. They will most likely not be immune to the disease.
Sadly, I think I have offended my children as well when it comes to Christmas trees. Nathan begs every year to put one or more of his own ornaments on "the good tree" (you know, the one in the living room that everyone sees, MY tree). I consented this year to having him hang his fish ornament on my tree. But only because it's dark brown and blends in. I might have to adjust it later, though.